we're in the twilight zone

Freddie and co - essential overnight viewing.

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By Dave Tickner

My name is Dave, and I am an Ashes Addict.

With the main event now just over two weeks away, spare a thought for me and the thousands like me.

We are doomed to spend the next two months shuffling around, like a dead-eyed extra from Dawn of the Dead, because, for English viewers, an Australian Ashes series is incredibly difficult to watch. And not just because it usually involves a fearful hammering.

It's because Australian Test matches are scheduled at just about the worst time imaginable for those watching from Blighty. I reckon they do it on purpose.

Tests in the Caribbean or South Africa are positively dignified in their start times and, while matches in India or Pakistan may start in the very early hours of the morning, the average fan is safely tucked up in bed away from temptation by that point.

But the crafty Aussies have positioned themselves in the most devilish time zone imaginable.

The evil trick of the Australian Test is to start tantalisingly around midnight in the UK.

Just about early enough in the night for the unwary Ashes Addict to make his fatal mistake; 'I'll just stay up and watch the toss,' he thinks.

With that completed and England put in to bat, what harm could it do to stay up and watch a few overs of the action?

That way madness lies.

No cricket fan has the requisite willpower to watch just a few overs. Twenty minutes later the Ashes Addict will be sat in his chair with a packet of Jaffa Cakes, a multipack of Wotsits, and decide to stay up until drinks. Which makes him realise he's a bit thirsty; pass the Red Bull.

But the drinks break comes and goes. Another quick look at the clock reveals lunch is now just 45 minutes away. It would be sheer folly to retire to bed at this stage. Why not just stay up until the lunch break and then call it a night?

What's this? Coming up in the lunch break, an exclusive interview with Paul Collingwood? Can't miss that.

And so it goes on, before our Ashes Addict, surrounded by crumbs and empty crisp packets, realises it's seven in the morning, he's due in the office in two hours' time and he hasn't slept in 24 hours. And England are eight down and already firmly on the back foot.

After a day spent mainlining black coffee and falling asleep at his desk, our man returns home exhausted and determined never to make the same mistake again.

That night he realises the BBC are showing highlights of day one's play after Newsnight. I'll watch those and then get off to bed, he thinks.

But it's now just 15 minutes until play resumes.

I'll just watch a few overs...