no sleep 'til brisbane

Jones - missing treat on TV back home.

By Dave Tickner

The long wait is almost over, and my body clock has finally been dragged kicking and screaming onto "Ashes Time".

I've been readying myself for tonight's midnight kick-off by staying up through the last two nights, going to bed just as my girlfriend gets up, much to her delight.

I've hardly spoken to her or anyone else in the last three days, but it hasn't all been good news.

I mean, have you seen what's on TV at three in the morning?

News 24 (BBC1), GCSE maths revision (BBC2), bonkers American sport (five), confusing nonsense about Iraq (Channel 4), and the undoubted cream of the crap, The Mint on ITV.

Scientific studies have shown it to be impossible to watch The Mint for more than three minutes before succumbing to the irresistible urge to gouge out your own eyes with a teaspoon and put a brick through the screen.

If you haven't seen it, you really should. Just don't watch for too long.

It's essentially a device for separating morons and drunkards from their money via premium-rate phone calls, and must rank as the most soul-crushingly depressing thing to ever appear on British television. ITV may as well replace the whole show with a flashing screen that simply reads "YOU ARE A MORON" and automatically deduct several hundred pounds from your bank account via your set-top box.

I've painted the spare room, thoroughly cleaned the bathroom, and come up with a unifying theory for life, the universe and everything in the last couple of nights just to avoid it.

I've also watched all three DVDs of last year's Ashes, and I'm definitely ready for the next instalment.

And it might just be the sleep deprivation talking here, but I reckon things could be turning England's way.

The unfortunate Shane Watson's hamstring injury has had a two-fold effect. First, Australia have had to rethink their strategy, and will now go into the Test with just a four-man attack, as they did so unsuccessfully last year in England.

And as a result of that, the Baggy Green look set to take the cautious route and select the reliable but unspectacular Stuart Clark as third seamer over the more volatile but exciting Mitchell Johnson, while Shaun Tait has already been released.

England must be thrilled.

Had Watson been fit, Johnson or Tait would surely have got the nod, and

England were not relishing the prospect.

Now, on what is rumoured to be a bouncy Gabba pitch, England will be coming up against not one but two "quicks" who struggle to get the speedo above 80.

Meanwhile in the tourists' camp, with Ian Bell looking set to overcome his bruised wrist, the only problem has been the loss of Marcus Trescothick which, on current form, actually strengthens the top six.

Monty Panesar looks to have got the nod over Ashley Giles and if Geraint Jones could just suffer some minor injury England would be in even better shape.

Someone sit him down in front of The Mint.