WARNE ACCEPTS ENGLAND GIFTS

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Warne celebrates his fifth wicket on day one.

By Andrew Ramsey

As Shane Warne marveled at the audacity of whoever writes his increasingly surreal career scripts, it became equally obvious that England's are being penned by a macabre author of cheap horror stories.

For Warne to capture the wicket he needed to reach 700 was remarkable in itself given the 'seamer's special' pitch that was trotted out at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on Boxing Day.

That he took 5-39 and was the architect of another woeful England collapse was simply too bizarre to contemplate.

For these were conditions in which a legspinner had no right to dominate.

The accolades rightly flowed for Warne when play ended, and the 37-year-old dutifully pointed out that much of what he achieved had been set up by the Australian quicks earlier in the day.

It was a valid assessment. But it only made the reality of England's stunning capitulation - where it lost 8-58 in less than 30 overs - even more bewildering.

The fact that there was exaggerated seam movement for Glenn McGrath and Stuart Clark in the opening three hours could have explained the tourists' demise, if only the wickets had tumbled to that pair.

But after the early loss of Alastair Cook and Ian Bell - who never looked comfortable against the moving ball during his 47-minute stay - the worst of the storm was ridden out by Andrew Strauss and Paul Collingwood.

The pair played and missed as often as expected in such bowler-friendly conditions, but they kept their heads and had started to accumulate runs by the time the ball softened and Warne was finally brought into the attack.

Strauss later conceded that a score of 250-plus on that pitch would have been significant for England's chances. And at 2-101 with the ball more than 40 overs old, that was looking a distinct possibility.

Collingwood had batted like a man who was simply not good enough to get out as he fended and poked at the seamers, but when Warne came on he twice swept him elegantly to the fence which suggested the bat was slowly getting on top.

Almost immediately he surrendered his wicket by hanging his bat at a ball from Brett Lee that he could easily have let pass, and in the next over Strauss got sucked in by a beautifully flighted leg break from Warne.

Suddenly, batting became impossible.

That's the only conclusion that can be made as player after player decided that their time in the middle was destined to be brief therefore playing all manner of shots while they were there was the most effective game plan.

So Warne cashed in as the middle-order went after him with as few clues as acumen, and he merely had to toss the ball up in the breeze and wait for the infielders to receive their catching practice.

The truth remains that it was a handy toss to lose. Being bowled out on a grassy track which contains more than a little moisture under leaden skies is no disgrace, nor is it a surprise.

But crumbling to a legspinner on a first-day pitch almost too cold and damp, in conditions that were almost too cold for him to grip the ball represents another humiliation for a team that can barely slump any lower.